It seems like I haven’t had much to really say lately. I’ve been consumed by school, job applications, some personal stuff, and anything but working out.
I’ve put little effort into trying to make time to work out since coming back from my friend’s last week. I openly admit it. And it scares me. I just haven’t been driven to focus on weight, weight loss, eating, or working out over the past half week.
As I look at the calendar and realize graduation is 2 weeks away, I won’t reach my dream of being under 200 before I finish my first M.A. degree. And somehow I’ve accepted that. I’ve flirted with the same 5-8 pounds for almost a year now, which is what frustrates me. But I realize that for 6 of those months I was half marathon training. And a part of my body is still used to that way of life and that consumption of calories. Which is why I need to stop and focus.
I hate to say “after XYZ I’ll do it” because that’s what it seems it always is. But I’m tired, frustrated on focusing on the number on the scale and not the look and feel of my clothes (which has been a bit frustrating recently).
I haven’t fallen off the deep end and consumed bad foods, but I’ve definitely haven’t had strict focus on serving sizes with certain foods, which is something that needs to change. And it’s not like I’ve thrown the towel in with working out, it’s just this little thing called time. It’s been like this since I started graduate school in 2009, and it seems like a never ending tale since.
Essentially I’ve run myself rugged and haven’t given myself a moment to just take it all in and relax. New York was a semi-mini vacation, but it just pushed itself into a deeper hole with how far behind I fell with school, same with the 2 weeks I was doing thesis research, and the trip I took last week. I just keep falling further into a hole of being behind.
I’m stopping with excuses. I’m stopping with the “no time for things” reasoning behind why I don’t put my best foot forward. Graduate school isn’t forever, but the rest of my life is.
I’m not recommitting because I never completely stopped committing. But I am refocusing on me, myself, and my health. I look at family members and realize I don’t want to be like them, shoving fist full of medicine on a daily basis. I don’t want to consume my vitamins through supplemental pills. I want to be healthy, I want to not have to worry what my cholesterol level is because it’ll be normal, I want to not have any vitamin deficiencies, I want to be able to look at myself in the mirror and not think why does my spare tire stomach show so much, I want to feel comfortable in my own skin.
First step — acknowledging all of the positive that has happened in my life:
I am alive, I do not need special medical care, I do not have any major injuries, I am not recovering from any major injuries, I am lucky enough to have a roof over my head and food on my table for every meal, I have running drinkable water, I have clothing on my back and more in my closet, I live in a free country where I am not forced to do things I don’t want to do.
I have been able to swim with my own body, I have been able to run a half marathon on my own two legs with no assistance, I have been able to run countless training miles with no significant injury, I have been able to run races with some amazing people, I have been able to join a gym and partake in the opportunity to better my lifestyle, I have been able to meet some wonderful people who are on a similar journey to take back their lives.
I have gone from a size 20/22 in jeans and t-shirts to size 14/16 in shorts and jeans, from an XXL to a Large in shirts and dresses.
On December 12, 2008, I graduated with my B.A. degree at 260 pounds in a size 20/22 dress. And on May 5, 2012, I will walk across the stage to receive the first of my M.A. degrees in a size LARGE dress at approximately 215 pounds.
These are positive, and as my days continue on this earth and through this journey, the clothing numbers will decrease and the weight lost will increase. But most importantly,I will be happy, I will be healthy, and the insides of my body will be healthy, I won’t be at risk for diabetes, high cholesterol, or heart issues.